Parents of special needs children, what do you need the most right now?

“We are bracing ourselves for an unprecedented, historic academic regression experienced by our most fragile population of students,” said Alberto Carvalho, superintendent of the Miami-Dade County Public Schools in a recent interview for USA Today.

As more than 43 states have ordered or recommended that schools do not reopen for the remainder of the academic year, I understand the stress this has placed on parents of special needs students, as they wrestle with the most important question: what does this mean for my child?

When this COVID-19 pandemic is all over, and it will be, we must understand that more important than the academics your child learned was what your child will remember about how you made them feel.

Did you nourish them?
Did you love them?
Did you help them to love themselves and others?
Did they feel safe?
Did they feel loved?
Did they feel that they belonged?

With so much out of your control right now, focus on what you can do. Give yourself permission to accept this truth: what you are doing is your best. What you are doing does matter, and it is making a difference in your child’s life.

As unnatural as it sounds, in order to do the best for your child right now, you must focus on yourself first. Check it with yourself and evaluate your emotional well-being. How are you feeling? Stressed? Overwhelmed? Fearful? If you are not there for yourself, it will be that more difficult to be there for your child.

1️. List five sayings you can repeat to yourself to encourage success.

People have a habit of focusing on the negatives in their lives and tend to forget all the good things they have that make them happy. It does not matter whether you make a big or small positive accomplishment, what is important is that you celebrate and remember your accomplishments.

If your child was able to complete their bedtime routine independently, write it down. If you were able to get a restful night’s sleep, record it. If you and your child were able to work on coursework for thirty minutes without interruption — instead of the usual twenty minutes — make a note.

By celebrating and noting these positive accomplishments, when there are less than successful situations, you can quickly refer back to the positive ones.

2. Find an accountability partner.

An accountability partner is someone who offers support in the good times and the bad times. Whether it’s your spouse, a loved one, or a friend, find someone who you can check in with regularly (i.e. daily, several times a week, weekly) and share your experiences.

During the less than successful times, they can lift you up, encourage you to try again, and help you reflect on the experience. During successful times, they will be there to celebrate accomplishments with you.

3. Set realistic expectations.

Most likely, you will not be able to recreate a carbon copy of your child’s support services at home — and that’s okay. Establish realistic expectations for your child’s academic day. This will be different for everyone, but I encourage you to do at least three things:

• Ask your child. Last week, I wrote on the importance of prioritizing communication and connection with your neurodivergent child and outlined a three-step plan to have a meaningful, productive conversation about what they are feeling. If you have not have an opportunity to do so, take the time this week to have this conversation and use their feedback as a guide in moving forward.

• Create a space for your child (and you) to take a break and recharge. Instead of trying to accomplish all assignments at one time, scatter school assignments throughout the day and allow for breaks. Designate a specific area of your house as the “recharge zone,” so your child knows where to go when they are “on break” or they are feeling overwhelmed.

• Write a daily objectives list and display it clearly. Particularly now that established routines have been disrupted or changed entirely, take the time to develop a visual or written schedule that you and your child can reference daily. This list will help your child focus, stay on task, and remind them what is expected of them that day. The Marcus Autism Center has created a wonderful resource about establishing successful routines at home that I hope you find helpful.

Parents of special needs children, what do you need most right now? What are you most struggling with right now? How can I best help?

I am working on a series of free, online workshops to help parents navigate these challenging times and best support their neurodivergent children — but I need your input. Please send me an email with your suggestions. I would greatly appreciate any insight you would be able or willing to offer.

Remember: you are doing the best you can, and we can do this together. Please know that I am here for you, rooting for you, and want to support you however I can.